Standing with Survivors

The past few weeks, I've hardly slept. I keep waking up in the middle of the night, finding myself scrolling through survivors' stories, news reports, the Roy Moore campaign race, constantly looking to see who has been accused and who's admitted to it. I keep finding myself awake at 4:00am every day, listening to the stories of heartbreak and pain that drudge up my own past. I keep scrolling through #ChurchToo hashtags, spreading the light on the awful, dark, hidden stories of people who have experience sexual abuse in the church, and, many times, how horrendously religious people treat victims. I keep rubbing my eyes and wiping away tears at painful stories that ring too closely to home. My stomach has been in knots trying to figure out how to help, how to share, and, if I'm honest, if it's even worth it help, because it feels like it'll only be a drop in the ocean. 
  The #MeToo Movement has taken off and exposed celebrities, CEOs, producers, TV hosts, pastors, you name it, there's an allegation and a #MeToo story behind it. 
The world has seen the bravery and courage from men and women of all walks of life, who have come forward to share the truth. We've seen perpetrators give apologies and recognition to their inexcusable behavior, resign from their positions, and leave the public eye. Many still refuse to leave or recognize their behavior, despite cases being built against them. The world is experiencing is the  heartbreaking way many people have responded to survivors sharing their stories. Online hate grows and looms. If you listen in to the news and tune in to social media, you'll stumble across a newscaster covering someone's story and you'll start to hear what those who doubt, or simply don't want to believe, have to say. 
When I find myself sitting awake at 4am, I so badly wish I could come up with just the right thing to say. I wish I could sit at my laptop and think of the perfect answers and tell the whole world how to make sense of it all. I wish I could figure out the best way to help victims and survivors. I wish I could make sure this never happens to anyone else again. I wish I could erase all of the pain and hurt for all of us. 
But I can't, and no one can.
But the one thing I can do is use what I know from my own #MeToo story and the stories of those who I've walked with and use it to help the world respond lovingly when they hear the terrible things that have happened to victims of abuse. 
There's so many things you can do to stand with a survivor to help them heal, and also sooo many things that can really, severely damage them in their healing process.
Here are some things from my perspective as a survivor, and survivors that I've walked with and who have shared their #MeToo stories with me. 

T H I N G S   T H A T  H U R T:

When you hear a survivor's story or someone sits down to tell you theirs, the most important thing to do is respond in a way that affirms them and makes them feel safe. If you know of an abusive situation that is happening or has happened in the past, don't push the victim to tell you details they don't feel comfortable sharing. Let them know you believe them, you support them, and you are there to listen whenever they need it. These are tips to help you navigate your relationships with the people in your life who have experienced sexual abuse because your heart may be in the right place, just trying to do your best to be supportive and loving, but you can inadvertently hurt them. These are extremely important skills to have, as 1/3 people will experience sexual assault. So when someone in your life experiences abuse, you can be prepared and ready to respond with open, loving arms.
Here are some don'ts that you should steer away from at all costs:

• Don't say things that are critical of victims.
  • ​In this age of story sharing and truth exposing, a lot of skeletons are being taken out of the closet and it get's messy very quickly. Don't blame survivors for sharing the truth, whatever platform they chose to share. If they are making the brave and courageous decision to share their stories on social media, they need support and a listening ear. I've heard countless people say, "Women shouldn't be slandering men on social media", and "No one should be gossiping on facebook about personal things". Let me make this super clear: those comments are helping no one and are harming survivors. Telling the truth about what has happened to you is scary, intimidating, painful, and very difficult as it is. There's no need to make it harder for those who are breaking the silence to feel more pain and intimidation. Telling the truth should be praised and affirmed, and it isn't the fault of the victim if what someone else has done to them makes you uncomfortable, it's the fault of the perpetrator and the perpetrator alone. 
• Don't ask interrogate
  • Many times when someone tells their story, listeners will ask questions to try to weigh out whether or not they believe it. This is extremely inappropriate and very, very hurtful. Yes, you should by all means seek the truth, but asking critical questions that make the victim seem like a criminal will really hurt them. Sharing is very hard and scary, so keep trying to make them feel safe and supported, and be very wary of how many questions you ask, what you ask, and how you ask them. If you just shared the worst thing that happened in  your life with someone, the last thing you would want is them treating you like the criminal when you've been wronged, so keep that in mind. Keep in mind that not all perpetrators are the stereotype of what you may think; grimey, creepy, scary-looking men, in fact most are not. 
• Don't talk about the perpetrator.
  • ​For some survivors, the perpetrator is a stranger or someone they didn't know well. For others, it's a family member, coworker, boss, or friend. Others are perpetrated against by a significant other, a boyfriend or girlfriend, someone they were close with who they cared about. In any case, don't bring them up in conversations, unless the victim is talking about what's happened to them with you. If you are friends or acquaintances with their perpetrator, I very strongly suggest that you confront the perpetrator about this, stand up for the victim, and take a step back from the friendship. Sexual abuse isn't the same as a bad break-up; it's not like staying friends with your best friend's ex or choosing sides after a split. It is extremely hurtful to a victim to have their friends or family members continue to associate with their perpetrator after their sexual abuse has taken place. There's not a more clear way to explain it: It's not okay. It hurts, it creates doubt for the victim and their friendships, it makes the healing process very painful and difficult, and it absolutely will ruin relationships. 
• Don't make jokes, ever.
  • ​Talking about sexual abuse is very, very uncomfortable. It's not pleasant, it's hard to tell and hear, and it hurts. Sometimes when people share, it's hard to know how to respond. Some people react in silence, some are speechless, some say a few words of comfort, and some try to lighten the mood. Don't resort to humor and jokes. Your heart may be absolutely be in the right place and you may be only trying to help, but joking about something so terrible and dark is embarrassing for the victim. Even if it comes from a heart trying to comfort, it feels demeaning, sarcastic, and like another form of people criticizing and disbelieving you. 
• Don't assume they're okay.​
  • Everyone handles trauma differently. Sometimes it takes weeks, months, sometimes even years, for the pain and trauma to take effect in someone's life. It can manifest in many different ways. The most common effects of sexual abuse are PTSD, sleeping disorders, flashbacks, dissociation, depression, attempted suicide, self harm, and physical effects like STIs or pregnancy. These effects are normal and to be expected after someone has experienced trauma. Don't blame the victim, there's no way they can help what has happened or is happening to them. Don't assume that they are okay, because they may be in the middle of experiencing these symptoms. There are some things a survivor will live with for the rest of their lives and symptoms that will never stop. Be a helping hand and loving friend when you see these effects in the lives of your friends and loved ones.
• NEVER push someone to "Forgive and forget", "Get over it", or "Move past it",
  • The best way to avoid all of these is to only give advice to a victim when someone asks for it. One of the least helpful things that you can hear as a survivor is "you really need to forgive them". In the Christian community, this is something I heard A LOT. It's really unhelpful and it feels like you're being undermined, even when you're talking with someone who is just trying to help. Sexual abuse is such a painful experience, and it exploits and embarrasses the victim in every way. Don't push anyone to forgive. Forgiveness is a process that is a part of their journey, and they need to navigate it on their own. Everyone processes pain and trauma differently in their own time, so don't push. There's no way to "get over it" or "move past it" when someone has chosen to take advantage of you and the consequences of their actions will affect your life forever.  It can be so frustrating when someone you love is experiencing the pain of sexual assault, and you just want everything to be "back to normal", but remember it isn't their fault and this is the new normal they have to live with for the rest of their lives. 
• NEVER victim blame
  • There's no reason to victim blame. By the mere definitions of the words victim, sexual assault, rape, and abuse, it is never, ever the victim's fault.  Never ask "what were you wearing", because it doesn't matter. Never say "you put yourself in that situation", because it was not their choice to have someone make the decision to take advantage of them. Never say "you were asking for it". It's impossible to "ask for" rape, because if they were asking for it, it would be consensual, not rape. Don't ever put the responsibility on the victim, even if you don't understand the situation. It doesn't matter who they are or what was happening, if they were at a bar or a party, if they were sober or drunk, if they were dating or married, if they were consensual at first but then decided to say no, if they were wearing a full burka or they were naked,  it does not matter. Don't ever blame. 
• Don't "stay out of it"
  • When someone you know has been sexually abused it can be so uncomfortable and hard to know how to handle it. It's difficult to know whether "staying out of it" would be more helpful or not. Don't stay out of it. If you aren't close to the victim, you don't need to interject yourself in their lives or gossip about what's happened, but always, always take a stand for someone who has been assaulted or abused. They need someone to advocate for them. Let the victim know you believe them, you're there if they need you, and you will fight for the truth. 
• Don't use Bible verses, Christian phrases, and spiritual quotes to blame victims
  • ​The Bible is SO CLEAR about how God feels about rape and His children being hurt and abused. The Biblical stance towards rape is to stand up for victims. When I was receiving feedback about my abuse from pastors and Church leaders, so many gave me the purity talk and turned what happened on me, even though I shared that I had tried so hard to set up boundaries and stop my abuse from happening. I knew that the Biblical stance on sex was that it was for marriage alone and I believe that, so throwing it at me in a time of sharing what had happened didn't make sense, and it made me feel like I had somehow failed. The people sharing with me thought they were helping, but they just didn't know that they were hurting me, or how to appropriately help. Instead of using things that aren't helpful to a victim, like the purity talk, share how much God loves them, how He hates what someone has done to them, and how taking advantage of someone is not how God intended relationships. Share how it's sexually impure for the perpetrator to take advantage of someone else sexually, and how the sin and fault is on them, not the victim. Don't say things like "Everything happens for a reason" or "If God puts you to it He'll get you through it". Again, your heart may totally be in the right place when you share these things and you may only mean to help,  but they are unhelpful and can do a lot of damage. It's never a victim's fault, and God is against abuse of any kind, so use Bible verses to support victims and stand against sexual assault. 

T H I N G S   T H A T   H E L P   A N D   H E A L

When you're walking with a victim on their journey to healing, remember to do your best to help them heal. As a victim, you often feel alone, misunderstood, and like no one will fight for you. So, as someone on the outside looking in, try to make your loved one feel comforted, understood, and like you will be their advocate.  You won't always know what to do or how to help, but just trying can make a world of difference to someone who is experiencing the aftermath of abuse. Here are some "do's" to help encourage you to keep fighting for your loved ones in helpful, loving ways that will help them heal.

• Be supportive when someone shares their story
  • ​Say affirming things after someone shares their story with you, as it's very hard and painful for a victim to do, like: "I believe you", "That was so brave of you to tell me", "It's not your fault, you didn't deserve that", "I will do whatever I can to help you", "I'm always here to listen", "I'm here for you", and "I'm so sorry this happened to you". Just be as encouraging and as non-judgemental as you can be. Focus on listening to them, not giving advice or having the right thing to say. It's better to say something like, "I'm so sorry that happened to you, you didn't deserve it. I'm not even sure what else to say." rather than giving advice that they didn't ask for, or trying to say something that makes it "all better". Validate what happened to them and how they feel.
• Check in 
  • ​When you're walking with a survivor, check in on them from time to time to see how you can help, what you can do, and to listen. If someone asks for space, respect their request. Don't be discouraged if your loved one needs time for themselves, they may just be burnt out on  talking and sharing, or numb to emotions. Just remind them you're there whenever they may need you, and don't push them to talk or open up.
• Be an advocate
  • ​When I was experiencing the brunt of the effects of my abuse, I felt very alone and many times like no one cared or believed me. Many of my close friends became close friends with my abuser, and it was devastating to me. It seemed like I did all I could do and no one was going to stand up for me. When my parents, boyfriend, and a couple of my close friends were supportive and did take a stand for me, it meant the absolute world to me, and I finally felt like people cared. It made me feel much less alone, and I was reminded that it was the right thing to share the truth. Be an advocate for your loved ones, even if it is difficult or inconvenient to you. If you take steps to stand up for a survivor, you're not only making a giant step for healing in their lives, you're making a huge step for all survivors. This is a war, and you're fighting on the right side. If the victim chooses to take legal action, do whatever you can to help support this process. 
• Be proactive
  • If you see something that doesn't feel right happening, say something about it. If you see someone being taken advantage of it, do whatever you can to stop it and call the police immediately. If you see someone being harassed, confront it. Do your best to educate yourself and others, and make yourself a safe and helpful person to survivors. 1/3 people will be sexually abused, so being proactive in whatever way you can will make a world of difference. 
• Help survivors with self care
  • ​Do the best you can to help survivors with their self care. When you are experiencing things like PTSD and depression, it can be hard to take care of yourself. You often want to stay in bed and shut the world out, and dissociation makes you want to stay home alone. If a survivor asks you to spend time with them, do things to help make them feel special and relaxed. Take them out for coffee, bring them their favorite take-out, do spa treatments and face masks with them, go to their favorite store together, make them dinner, or go on a day trip to their favorite place. These can all help take their mind off of things, even for a minute, and help them relax. This will help so much.
• Ask what helps and what doesn't
  • There's a lot of basic "do's" and "dont's" that help navigate through  this journey, but every survivor has different things that help them and things that don't. 
• Be sensative
  • ​When you experience trauma, there may be a lot of triggers that set off panic attacks, flashbacks, or self harm. Sometimes, it's not even something you say or do to a victim that can trigger them, it's something no one can help. Just be aware that things like the smell of cologne or perfume, a tv show, song, sounds, yelling, violence, harsh words, physical contact [hugging, kissing, grabbing their arm], and certain places where their abuse has occurred, or a place that reminds them of the place they were abused, can trigger someone. Ask if you can hug them, or wait for them to hug you, and don't grab them or restrain them in any way, even if it's a part of a game or a joke.  This can really set off feeling like they may have experienced during their assault. If a bar or restaurant reminds them of somewhere they were abused, offer to leave and go to another restaurant where they will feel safe. Look for signs that they feel uncomfortable or may be having a panic attack. Sometimes it's obvious, like they may be crying or shaking, but sometimes it's more subtle like they may be zoned out, have a blank stare, or they may be repeating an action over and over for a period of time, like scratching their arm or rubbing their eyes. If you see this happening, just ask if they're okay, ask if your group should go somewhere more comfortable, and ask if they need anything. This helps immensely. Even if they say they don't need anything, just knowing someone cares is very comforting. 

This can be a lot of information to take in and a lot to process. Just remember that making an effort to take these steps is appreciated and is helping, even if you don't feel like it. It may seem like a lot of do's and dont's, but it's all just precautions to make someone who has experienced one of the absolute worst things you can go through feel safe and comforted. Trauma is very painful and can last a lifetime, so being sensitive is important. 
You may feel like your efforts aren't worth it, but they are so important in the life of a survivor. If we all make efforts and take a stand for victims, we can truly change the world and change the way that survivors are treated. We can help heal those who have been beaten down and broken. We can fight for the truth. We can be a voice for the voiceless. We can make those who feel marginalized feel loved, cared for, and supported. We can love the forgotten and ignored like Jesus did. Your choices to advocate for survivors are making a difference. Thank you for doing what you do, and keep fighting.  

For statistics, facts, and resources on how to help survivors, visit https://www.rainn.org/. To talk to someone to receive 24/7  support, call 800-656-4673 for the National Sexual Assault Helpline. To hear stories of survivors or share yours, contact us here on the blog under the contact page.